Tuesday, November 07, 2006



I'm having a difficult time adjusting to the fact that I don't like where I am right now -- both geographically and psychologically. It's one of those truths that, with my own reluctant cooperation, manages to camouflage itself . . . and when detected, it expertly belies its presence with the mentational equivalent of radar chaff.

Thus I rebound from a state of what would likely become stark depression to one of merely bothersome self-loathing. So I drink more espresso, check a few more books out from the library and resume staring at the walls. (I've been doing quite a lot of that lately: literally staring at the walls and vaguely hoping it would all just go away.)

The act of driving across town has become a rite of dull agony. Other people have become gibbering caricatures to be endured. (Which isn't entirely aberrational; most of them really are walking turds.)

Not that I don't have moments of what seem deceptively like inner calm. But they're too easily shattered; I rebound into a world of abject loneliness that I can kill only with sleep and sickly self-assurances that tend to wither under inspection.

To some degree or another, this has been going on for at least ten years. More, counting college -- but I prefer to operate under the plausible fiction that college counted for nothing.

I'm transmitting from a space station that, neglected, is running perilously low on oxygen. I've ignored the flashing red LEDs and the entreaties from mission control. Now a strange clutching darkness has descended as if from nowhere.

18 comments:

W.M. Bear said...

Mac -- I hate to say this because I believe in psychoactive medications only as a last resort (having had both good, mixed, and bad experiences with them in various forms). But a good anti-depressant might just be the ticket. You probably should at least (if you haven't already) consult a therapist or counselor of some sort and get a professional opinion.

(One warning, though: do not, repeat DO NOT let anyone prescribe Xanax for you. It supposedly has a certain cachet as a prescription drug but the stuff, I know from personal experience, will absolutely fry your brain -- possibly your body too; I still suffer from weird cramps because of it, it trashed my short-term memory while I was taking it and even -- miracle of miracles -- depressed my sex drive. And if someone does try to prescribe it, do not fill the prescription and stop seeing him or her immediately. They don't know what they're doing no matter how many degrees they might have and how many assurances they might give you.)

On a lighter note, think of your success at the New Frontiers Symposium! With where you're going in your writing, you are to be envied!

jezzie said...

Have you ever thought about...moving? If your location is such a big part of the problem, maybe you need a change of scenery. Someplace that stimulates your senses instead of dulls them. And I don't mean moving across town. Maybe you need a move across country.

I know that if I could live anywhere, I'd move back to Colorado, just to wake up and see the mountains every morning. Or someplace by the ocean, where I could dip my toes in the surf, and listen to it breaking on the shore.

I think you're just too creatively minded to be living where you are right now, and might be happier where there are others on the same wavelength that you are.

Cap'n Marrrrk said...

Wow, that is quite the cry for help. I totally sympathize with you. Each moment of consciousness an aching pain that just won't quit. Truly horrible.

It doesn't help that you just returned from a fun filled "working" vacation in Nova Scota where you got to spend time with your peers (none of whom, it appears, do not live where you do).

Brain chem determines Reality and right your Reality is Pain, you need to seek medical help STAT!

It is apparently way past time to balance it all back.

But do remember, us folks out here in Digiland are Meat Puppets who care about you and respect you, so don't do anything Stupid like take your own life.

Life's too short for something, something.

eyemage said...

hey mac,

if a move is a possiblity, the northwest is great place for creative types, even if its the home base of starbucks.

regaurding the descending darkness...fight it commune with it deal with it...just dont let it win.

im sure there are plenty of us you can talk to out here.

we are listening.

Carol said...

Houston to space station: there are shuttle staff at the airlock waiting to help, if you'll let them in.

The people you encounter are not walking turds. Don't sell them short.

In metropolitan Kansas City there are close to 2 million people. If you don't think any of them are your peers, you won't find a group of peers living anywhere else either.

You sound like you are describing long term depression. See your doctor for a very thorough physical, to make sure it isn't some readily detectable body imbalance that is at the root of this.

Ask for a referral to someone for counselling and discuss whether anti-depressants might be useful right now. Chronic low-grade depression can be as painful as a short-term intense episode, and anti-depressants may help get you into a frame of mind that can more contructively learn to deal with whatever is causing your depression.


Be prepared to discuss what your needs or preferences might be, such as male or female, and whether it matters that they are atheist or spiritually oriented. It may be that a short course of cognitive-behavioral therapy would be far better than endless talking about your past in the Woody Allen mode.

Until you get a better handle on these feelings you are having, perhaps you might try to look beyond all the grim "Oh fuck, we've killed the planet" resources you tend to post here a lot recently, and look for blog entries that might be a bit more empowering and positive.

I'm saying this as a friend, Mac. I don't like to see you in this pain. Get professional help.

Ray said...

Mac:

As someone who has dealt with similar moments of despair, I would say that I generally agree with the previous comments. Psychoactive medications should be a last resort. But if counseling doesn't help by itself, then the answer might be with medication.

Finding the right med can be trial and error. Also, trying to find the right doctor is just as important.

Part of my problem is sleep apnea. I had a real jerk for a doctor to treat the condition. I dropped him and now I'm working with another doctor who's a lot better. Disturbed sleep patterns can compound other health problems.

Exercise can help, even if it's just a walk around the block a couple of times, just enough to get more oxygen flowing back into the brain.

Drinking all that espresso doesn't help. Having a prescription, taking a medication on a regular basis, is probably better than treating your depression with lots of caffeine. A prescribed anti-depressant, if needed, isn't a cure-all; a drug won't make you feel magically happy all the time. The main thing is that it will take the edge off the depression so that you can deal with it better.

If your situation has become chronic agony -- and I've been there -- then the sooner you start to do something about it, the sooner you will feel better. It's not easy. It might take a few months for you to find the right doctor, counselor, or medication. But it's worth it. I know.

Ray

Paul Kimball said...

Mac:

On the plus side, you're leading the Zorgy voting for best paranormal blog:

Posthuman Blues (Mac Tonnies) 56 (52%)

The Orange Orb (Regan Lee) 18 votes (17%)

A Different Perspective (Kevin Randle) 34 votes (31%)

It's all about keeping things in perspective. :-)

Zorgy says to hang in there.

Paul

Alfred Lehmberg said...

We've spoken before on the telephone, years ago, and I suspect nether one of us thought the other was a walking turd. I was impressed with your aspect, as I recall.

If you'd like? We could do that again. It might be good for both of us, I've a feeling.

You want to talk? I may have good news for you, and I listen at least as good as I share.

I felt I should offer, you know? No harm no foul if you're not thrilled with the idea.

alienview@roadrunner.com
> www.AlienView.net
>> AVG Blog -- http://alienviewgroup.blogspot.com/
>>> U F O M a g a z i n e -- www.ufomag.com

Dustin said...

Keep your head up Mac. I know that's not always easy to do, and doesn't sound like something you want to hear. I've been where you are, it's rough. Honestly, at various times when I felt like you do, I did exactly what you suggested...I moved. I picked up and moved across the country twice, for very little reason. You're a bright guy, who's great at expressing himself,, and I'm sure you'll figure it out. Best of luck bud.

Guy Barry said...

Straight ahead carry on
?

razorsmile said...

Duuuude.

You feel miserable and lonely?

Surrounded by pod people and idiots?

It's still a salvagable situation; your task is simply to find better company. Move somewhere else and, while you're still riding the burn of the new, attack your social life. Things will get better from there.

Consider: You're a ridiculously smart, well-read published writer with a solid genre niche and room to expand. You got game, son.

Colette said...

*hugs*

Oh Mac - it's like you're reading my inner mind - (or my inner life) or something very closely resembling my life lately...

WTF?

It's like being plagued by a general malaise from which there is no cure and no escape...dare I say, not even suicide would help (Sorry - did *I* just type that? I was not being sarcastic)

OK so it's not THAT bad but still...

I can SO identify with this right now.

I know! Come and visit some of your cyber friends - we could all take turns 'hosting' you (LOL pun intended).

You ARE brilliant - you DO have game my dear young man. YOU are one of the brightest stars out here - don't ever forget that.

As ever,
Colette

Mac said...

Paul,

Zorgy says to hang in there.

Well, if *Zorgy* says it ...

Mac said...

Colette--

I know! Come and visit some of your cyber friends

First stop: *your* house! Start buying vegetarian stuff. Oh, and I like to sleep late.

;-)

Colette said...

XOXOXO

Really? I feel honoured darling, when?

Um...

I AM vegetarian - no worries there.

Sleeping arrangments: what side of the bed do you like?

*winks*

Yes I like sleeping late as well - especially when it's warranted

(Oh my I don't believe I am being such a flirt LOL)

*blushes*

^_^

I am glad you are doing better, Mac. You are welcome to visit any time...(except for Thanksgiving when I will be in NYC...hey maybe you should visit there then as well.)

Mac said...

;-)

NullSpin said...

Ok, while I cannot prevent your next wave of existential despair I will leave you this very powerful tool to be used only in emergencies.

http://mac.tonnies.youaremighty.com/

Enjoy
ns

Mac said...

I am mighty!

:-)